Ahhh, the wonderful world of step-parenting. It could be such a bitter sweet thing, huh? For those of us that have ever been given the responsibility of caring for a child that isn’t biologically ours, we understand how much work it could take to be fully dedicated in this position.
If anyone’s had a difficult time in this role, it’s ME! My step daughter, Madison has been a constant in my life for the past 6 years. But it wasn’t until maybe three years ago that I’ve been able to completely immerse myself into full Step-mommy mode, and it wasn’t easy. First, let’s look at the three main reasons why step parenting may too much for some…..
It’s outside of your norm. This is a big one. Maybe you don’t have any children of your own yet and feel “forced” into taking care of someone else’s. Maybe you do already have children and you find that this particular child is unlike them; leaving you to deal with issues you wouldn’t otherwise have to. Or perhaps you simply just don’t like the new routine set in place for you when caring for them.
You’re doing more than you’ve bargained for. Imagine taking on more responsibility for your partners child than either of the parents. Particularly if the child primarily lives in your home. (And not only speaking financially, Maybe you’re more physically present – “Why do they get to have all the fun while I’m always with their child?”). You might start to feel as if you’re being taken for granted, and that alone could create some animosity between and your bonus kid.
You simply do not connect with the child on any level. Hey, it happens 🤷🏽♀️. But it’s how we fix this that matters.
Despite our reasons though, we’re here to figure out effective solutions – because that’s what adults do, right? Good step parenting doesn’t have to be a hassle. Here’s what worked for me…
Understand why you feel the way you do. Is it you? Obviously, having a disrespectful, sneaky or lying child on your hands would be valid reasons to become frustrated with your relationship with them. But if this isn’t the case, is it possible that you’re holding a grudge for some other reason? Like, for example, you don’t get along with the other parent….. Have a honest conversation with yourself about why you feel the way you do, then take it from there.
Communicate your feelings to your spouse. Talking to my spouse about my reservations with his daughter helped him to understand my view on things, even if he didn’t agree with them. Without creating an argument around the situation, having an honest & open conversation could, at the very least, get you two on the same page.
Communicate your feelings with the child. If the child is old enough to talk, try to have a direct conversation with them with the intent to fully understand the issue. Ask them questions regarding what they like or dislike about their relationship with you. Try to find out what they would like to see in order for your connection to strengthen. You might just be surprised what they tell you.
Understand that it’s not easy for them either. If getting along with them isn’t easy for you, what makes you think it’s easy for them? We have to remember that they’re children, and being put in a situation where they are forced to be raised by someone other than both their biological parents (even if it’s just part-time) can be very challenging for them! So if they’re acting out in any way, this is likely the reason why.
Maybe the best thing for you to do is leave. At some point, you may have to consider leaving your relationship. I can tell you firsthand, that not being able to get along with your step child(ren) will, without a doubt, cause an immense amount of strain between you and your spouse. And it’s not a fun way to live. So either you find a way through it, or you leave! One of the most important things that we have to consider when dating someone, are their children. You have to accept the fact that you may be in constant contact with them. You may have to assist with caring and providing for them, or at the very least, spend a few hours a week in their presence. Can you handle that? If you aren’t willing to accept them, then for your own sanity and everyone else’s, move on.
All in all, I’ve learned so much about myself in this journey. Primarily, that selfishness has absolutely no place in blended families! A child in your home deserves to be treated with love as if they were your own. I’m so glad I have Madison. Because little did I know, I needed her just as much as she needed me ❤️.
Are you a step-parent? How is your relationship with your step-child? How have you learned to better connect with them? Let’s chat!
TTYL,
Lexi 💋
