What Are Your Rules for Physical Affection With Children?
Every family has its own expectations and boundaries around physical affection. Some households are naturally affectionate, with hugs and kisses being a regular part of how family members greet one another. Others have stricter boundaries around physical contact, even among close relatives. These differences can become especially noticeable at reunions, birthday parties, holiday dinners, and other gatherings where children may encounter relatives or acquaintances they haven’t seen in a while.
Lately, I’ve been thinking more about the physical affection boundaries we establish for our children. Our upbringing, personal experiences, and family traditions can all influence where we draw the line.
So, I’m curious: What are your non-negotiable boundaries when it comes to your children and physical affection? Are there certain things you simply don’t allow, regardless of who the person is?
My Boundaries Around Physical Affection
Two boundaries I have when it comes to physical affection with my children are no kissing anyone on the lips, including me, and not allowing my children to sit on just any man’s lap. These are forms of physical contact I’m personally uncomfortable encouraging, but I do understand this may not be the same for everyone.
Do You Allow Your Children to Refuse Hugs and Kisses From Relatives?
I think personal relationships can complicate the boundaries we set for our children. There’s often an unspoken expectation that certain people should be allowed to show affection simply because they’re related. But how much influence should those relationships have over the rules we establish as parents? Does knowing a child their entire life automatically make certain forms of affection acceptable, or should the same boundaries apply to everyone?
Another boundary I feel strongly about is allowing my children to decide whether they want to give or receive physical affection. I don’t believe they should be pressured into hugging or kissing someone simply because that person is known to them. Now, this isn’t about creating fear or mistrust toward the people we love. It’s about teaching my children that they have a say in what they’re comfortable giving and receiving, regardless of who the person is. They’re also allowed to change their minds. Being comfortable with a hug one day doesn’t mean they’re obligated to accept one the next.
The American Academy of Pediatrics also encourages parents to respect a child’s decision not to hug or kiss someone, including relatives.
I recently had a moment with my daughter that made me examine how I handle this myself. After she received a birthday gift from someone close to our family, I suggested that she give the person a hug. She told me she didn’t want to, and instead of accepting her answer, I pushed back. I asked her why and encouraged her again because they’d just given her a nice gift. She repeated that she didn’t want to, and I eventually let it go.
Afterward, I questioned why I hadn’t respected her decision the first time. I also realized that if this person had been standing in front of us, I probably would have apologized for my daughter’s refusal because I would have worried she was being rude or ungrateful. But she wasn’t doing anything wrong, and I shouldn’t have made her feel as though she was. She had already expressed her gratitude by saying thank you. Physical affection shouldn’t have been the price she had to pay for receiving a gift.
I think part of the problem is that we’ve grown accustomed to measuring gratitude through physical affection. When a child is excited about something, we expect the big smile, the enthusiastic reaction, and maybe even a huge, tight hug. When that doesn’t happen, we can mistake their response for a lack of appreciation. But children can be genuinely happy or grateful without expressing those feelings through physical contact.
Are we teaching children to be respectful, or are we confusing physical affection with good manners? And should that same boundary apply to us as their parents, too?
I’ve written before about setting boundaries as a Christian woman, and I think the same principle applies here: caring about someone doesn’t mean every form of physical affection has to be welcomed.
Do the Same Boundaries Apply to Sons and Daughters?
To be honest, when I think about setting boundaries around physical affection, my daughters automatically come to mind first. My son is almost an afterthought. I’ll catch myself thinking about what I will or won’t allow with my girls, and then realize, oh yeah, the same goes for him. To be absolutely clear, these boundaries apply equally to my son, and I care just as much about his comfort and his right to give or refuse affection.
I’ve started wondering why, and maybe his age has something to do with it. He’s only two, so being picked up, kissed on the cheek, or sitting on someone’s lap can seem like perfectly ordinary affection. But at what age do we start respecting a child’s right to say no? I don’t believe there’s a minimum age for that, and it’s something worth thinking about as a mother raising both genders.
Do you find yourself thinking about certain boundaries more often with your daughters than your sons, even though you believe those boundaries are equally important for both?
What Are Your Non-Negotiables?
I’m really interested in hearing how other parents approach physical affection boundaries for children. What are your non-negotiables? Are there certain forms of affection you’re comfortable with and others you don’t allow? Have your boundaries changed as your children have gotten older or as you’ve gained more parenting experience?
Different perspectives are welcome, so share yours in the comments. I think this is a conversation worth having.
A child’s boundaries don’t become less important just because an adult doesn’t agree with them.
Thanks for doing life with me,
– Lexi 🤍
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